In 2015, books, corn fields, and snowbanks beckoned me. For my professional future, I was relocating to Minnesota from Florida. The change in settings meant drastically different seasons. The shorts and cropped shirts could not go where I was going. (There is not as much need for summer clothes in a place that hosted 10 months of winter by Florida standards.)
Therefore, I found myself in the place where I would haggle as a kid with plans to sell half my wardrobe. (Occasionally, you must go back to the beginning to sort out the ending.) I settled in at the market with my sister as we tried to offload our excess items. As people walked by, we displayed products and called out prices to market clothes, shoes, and miscellaneous wares.
Midway through a woman came to our lot. She picked up our best merchandise, shared that she knew their worth, and then declared that we would accept half our asking price.
Her gusto and charisma were impressive; I wanted to acquiesce. I had no use for the items, but extra money—I might find use for. I turned to my sister to see if we should stand our ground. Her look seemed to say: “Let her have them.” I trusted my older sister’s insights. So, off the savvy madam went with our best gently used or new options.
Where I was going, those clothes could not go. That was the whole reason for plotting with my sister to lighten my load at the market. That is how I met an incredible woman who taught me more about haggling. With that exchange done and lesson learned I may never see her again. (Many beneficial relationships that support growth are meant to be transient.)
The clothes I sold covered me as I made memories, and I enjoyed them. They equipped me for the place I was in. When it was time to let them go, I did so without a fight. I understood the assignment and my limitations. A little Camry could only hold so much for the 2000-mile journey ahead. The Florida college wear chapter was closed. I had to let its trapping go. In doing what was best for my situation, I learned about business and made money which allowed me to prepare for the future. (Following through with difficult and necessary plans has a way of setting a foundation for success.)
We understand making adjustments for small things like clothes, but why—despite knowing our limited capacity in life—do we allow unnecessary baggage to keep us bound? And often we might even struggle to keep our problems around. The woman at the market was doing me a favor by taking those items; they would have packed my car so full that no drivers could fit inside. Yet sometimes even when understanding what is useless to us in new seasons, we still hang onto those hindrances.
No more of that as we head towards our best.
There are people and habits in our lives that we hold on to due to fear or familiarity, but they are taking up space meant for the better fit for where we are going.
Particularly with the new year upon us, we should be intentional about who we allow in our inner circles. People can improve, stagnate, or devolve us. What life are we trying to live? If we are seeking a life where we feel strengthened, heard, loved, respected, and encouraged, then how are we preparing for it?
It makes no sense to continuously expose yourself to those who promote bad habits, drain you, you can’t trust, or add nothing to your life. If you want to live well, focus on growth in all areas: relationally, financially, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Relationships are a key life-defining feature that if nurtured and pruned properly supports all other areas. Reclaim your time and energy; invest it in what will build you.
Even if it is your elementary school pal who was there for all the kerfuffles of the past 10-20 years, a relationship that detracts or causes strife must be reviewed. If you have changed, ensure your circle reflects that. If it is not toxic enough to end, new boundaries may be set. (See previous blog posts.) In addition to a friend zone, have an acquaintance zone.
Those who should be left in the past sometimes hide behind insidious veils. For example, they might add some good to your life but at the cost of compromising your values. Who are you if you compromise your values? Can you trust that version of yourself? Let no one or no “good” addition get in the way of who you are and want to be. Watch out for those who cause you to question the foundation of yourself. Analyze those relationships because they should likely be rooted out. Don’t accept anything someone offers, accept what is right for the season you are in.
Curate a personal environment where you can thrive, be inspired, feel loved, enjoy peace, feel safe, be challenged, and be supported towards your ideal self. Anyone or any behaviors that get in the way of what you should have, need to be re-evaluated and perhaps uprooted.
To say this is easy, but in practice it may be challenging. Particularly since people are worth more than inanimate objects. It’s hard enough to disappoint them in a market transaction, let alone to limit a connection that was anticipated to be long-term. The number one resource for making major decisions for relationships is logical loved ones. That is people who challenge your questionable decisions and model a well-balanced life. Someone who always agrees with you is not looking out for your best interest, and perhaps they can’t go where you are going. Someone dissatisfied with their relationships may also lack the insights you seek. If you want to prosper you have to understand your actions and get usable data from someone analytical and experienced.
At times loved ones don’t have the answer or the ability to logically advise due to proximity to the situation. That is where a professional such as a therapist or Success Advocate (visit DoubleDocJ.com) may come in.
Another way to understand what baggage to release is to know your goals. If you desire marriage but only have people dedicated to singlehood in your life, you may need to make space for some married mentors. If you require peace but are constantly embroiled in the strife of another, reconsider that connection. If you want success but are surrounded by people who make no tangible adjustments towards improvement, you’d better watch your step.
We are born with people who are meant to teach us something we may not get to learn elsewhere, but every other relationship is a choice. Even the relationships we are born with, though we will never escape the connection, we can often choose how much and what type of interactions we allow. Choose wisely.
Explanations for changes in a relationship are useful but not required. Part of what helped me to accept the market woman’s low offer was her explanation. (She had plans to donate these items in Haiti, it wouldn’t make sense for her to overpay for them.) Communication is a challenging skill to master, it may be difficult to explain the rationale behind relational decisions. Furthermore, some people will not easily accept decisions for separation. It is not your job to argue for good choices you make for your life; even if it would make accepting your choices easier for someone else.
Though I accepted whatever the market-savvy woman offered me, that was only because it was for items of limited value. Life has immeasurable value. If I want to optimize it, then I have to leverage wisdom in my community and understand my goals in order to choose the best behaviors and options to get me there.
I hope the best for you too. Do not take excess baggage that will disrupt your trajectory into your new seasons. When it’s time to move, everybody can’t go.
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Overview:
To optimize life, the people and habits kept should support your health and success.
Your close circle should share your values, be supportive, model growth, respect boundaries, communicate, be loving, and overall enhance life.
The baggage you hang onto may be in the way of more suitable resources.
Every relationship requires regular evaluation. Those with limited commitment/connections should be particularly scrutinized and adjusted.
Understanding your values, professionals, and loved ones can all help you to decide which relationships and habits serve you well.
Make the healthiest decisions for yourself even if those around you have difficulty accepting them.
Dr. Joseph is a Scientist, Educator, Physician, Entrepreneur, Author, and Success Advocate. She integrates experiences from health care, mentorship, crisis counseling, ministry, teaching, health coaching, professional training, and service to collaborate with individuals and groups to optimize life. As a life-long student and well-connected community member, she is equipped to collaborate with motivated individuals to plan for greater successes in life.
