George Floyd was murdered in May of 2020. During that time, celebrations and church were forbidden, certain jobs were forbidden, and schools were adapted to be virtual. These restrictions meant that our networks were fractured. Consequentially, the distractions used to avoid internal work were inaccessible. That period was memorable because we endured isolation, heightened concerns for illness, financial straits, and helplessness associated with political discourse and police brutality. Still, hopefully, we made changes to be better.
To cope, at that time, I relied on friends, family, pastries, and humor; however, by the end of May, I and my loved ones were stretched too thin. I will always remember a call to my sister wherein we jokingly discussed the latest political controversy. We were only a few sentences in when she exclaimed “I can’t take this anymore!” then immediately hung up. I no longer had anyone to talk to because if she was burdened, I refused to burden another. Though we had humor to soften discussions of all the horrific scenarios uncovered day after day while trapped in our homes, our situation was clearly too much. It was because I could not rely on antiquated coping mechanisms that I found myself at a precipice requiring internal reflection.
Before all the 2020 drama, I granted acquaintances too much of my time. My philosophy after my 2014-2015 stint of answering phone calls from people in crisis was that everyone needs a friend. Thus, I allowed myself to sit across from racists who could look at a picture of a Black child and determine they were a thug or who saw the murder of George Floyd but boldly made excuses for the culpable officers (who were paid by Minnesota residents then murdered one). I, unfortunately, allowed my time to be commandeered by folks committed to strife—people who I knew communicated via their biases about me to friends prior to smiling before me. My practices, though well-intentioned, contributed to my exhaustion. I was complicit in the burning of my spiritual oil. Prior to that short call from my sister, I was overdue to set more intentional boundaries.
In life I saw boundaries disguised in many forms. Some appeared as “Ground Rules”, blocking phone numbers, or polite requests. Boundaries also commonly show up in a simple word: no. They should be constructed by our values and require our vigilance to prevent them from being dismantled. (Though, even with well-established values dissonance often persists with setting and adhering to boundaries.)
For example, due to my level of education people often call me to solve any manner of problems, even homework. I have completed more than my fair share of homework during my 25-year educational journey and generally have more goals than hours in a day. With my network being extensive, I had to make it clear that I am not available as a 24-hour tutor for K-Medical School education. Some have tried to challenge this and other standards. I typically counter by letting them know that I will be accepting fewer calls or getting off the phone. It may feel like a loss because sometimes I must shorten an enjoyable conversation or empathize with the individual who believes that I left them to toil alone. But what is gained?
For the person, durable knowledge is gained by exercising the same means I formerly used to attain my education. For myself, I have reclaimed my time, preserved my mental climate, and garnered the respect of many who recognize my consistency. I do this because I learned through the pandemic (and work) that ultimately, I have to cope with what constitutes my life and mental health.
Some of us get ensnared in a failure to communicate our boundaries or set more when existing ones are crossed. Boundaries that are not clearly communicated are as useful as a cell phone with no power. If you tell a familiar person you don’t want to perform a task, such as help with homework, and they counter with questions about the strength of your affection or expend extensive energy trying to push you to change your voluntary choice, recognize that boundaries are being tested and manipulation has come into play. If manipulation is the norm, it may mean that major decisions must be made. Major decisions may be to end a relationship (with a person or job) or to change the nature of the relationship.
By our upbringing numerous boundaries should be socialized to be obvious, but they are still not respected. That’s why we regularly see bullying, manipulation, coercion, racism, sexism, and other harassment in professional settings. Whether or not boundaries are respected should be a compass for those interactions that we allow to persist. Because often the only way to cross boundaries is through manipulation or abuse. We must learn to recognize socialized and personalized boundaries are at stake during our interactions.
For example, a job that offers X number of sick and vacation days, but then makes unnecessary comments about the utilization of those benefits does not respect its boundaries and should raise red flags. In medicine, it’s easy to find those. I remember going to work during the height of COVID-19 infections and hearing an Attending say that she doesn’t want to hear anything about positive COVID-19 tests due to the staffing shortage; she wanted resident physicians to come in sick because the healthcare system is sick.
Sometimes we find ourselves in positions where we are afraid to communicate boundaries due to concerns of retaliation or because of the culture of the environment. The Attending I just mentioned was contributing to a culture of coercion. She understood that telling your supervisor you require more time off when work is busy is daunting. Yet she still leveraged her authority and role as an evaluator to make proclamations aimed at deterring less experienced team members from looking after their health.
The catch-22 is that she can only do this if workers accept it. (Insert advertisement for unions here.) As health care providers (or Americans), we are brainwashed into believing that the most selfless action would be to come to work while sick, when in actuality the most selfless action is to take time off to recover. There is more than enough evidence to support staying home while ill is the right thing to do. Millions of elderly and high-risk individuals lost their lives due to COVID-19 and flu infection. (Helping someone is NOT supposed to be lethal to another person.)
Aside from preventing deaths, any physician would say that an environment where you may get adequate rest is a key component of the treatment of illness. Furthermore, people with invisible diseases or immune deficiencies would have less to fear if their colleagues made better choices while sick. If everyone who was sick took the time off, there would be a better standard of looking out for each other. Thus, setting boundaries while afraid pays off in mutual respect, holistic health, personal grace, community integrity, and future boundary development.
We did not need a pandemic to note that setting boundaries for yourself and for those in your environment is essential for wellness and success. Admittedly for some, it caused much-needed reckoning. With our past, we can go into abounding futures wherein those we include in our lives contribute to our health by respecting boundaries.
Overview of Boundaries to Abound:
Boundaries are limits set to preserve holistic health.
Values and goals should influence the construction of boundaries.
Boundaries must be communicated.
Successful implementation of boundaries requires a premediated plan for adherence, consistency, and possibly more boundaries.
Many boundaries are socialized others are personalized.
All of us live in communities who shape our boundaries and should respect them.
Benefits of boundaries include mutual respect, community/personal health, enhanced success, and preservation of time/energy.
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